Never tempt fate
by Asdor2000
Summary: Because it likes to come bite you in the ass. A misadventure followed by completely ridiculous moments! \\one-shot/


**Hello, guys! Even though I know that I should write on my main story(for those that read it!) this idea was simply too good for not writing it down.**

**So the short story begins, enjoy!**

**'I do not own mass effect'**

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><p><strong><em>Never tempt fate<em>**

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><p>Today I made the one error you should never do. Ever. You want to know what? To say to yourself 'Today is such a uneventful day; Wish something would happen.' followed by a inertly snort and an 'As if!'.<p>

If you do that in the exact same order you have royally jinxed yourself. Most would say right now that is complete bull and things like that only happen in TV shows. Well, for the most part you are right: Things like that clearly are no normal occurrence in your everyday life.

Sadly that doesn't change the fact that it is still a bad idea as I experienced it in a most... agitating way. You want to know what? Well, in that case shut your traps and listen closely as I will tell you a story; A story of how things can get haywire when you do something as stupid, borderline mental handicapped, like the thing I did.

Like I already told and elaborated in a longwinded fashion in the near uninteresting and unnecessary text above I made a crucial error while being on a walk. To be precise I made that error on my way back from a nice establishment called starbucks to get my daily intake of this sweet, sweet liquid made out of roasted beans coming straight from heaven. Have I already mentioned how heavenly coffee is?

Back to track(again) I was walking down the street in a careless way and watched as anyone around me simply followed their everyday life. Others my age might be at home doing homework or learning at this time but not me. I never really needed to do so, I'm just that great. You may say now that I think that because of a too largely grown self-esteem and that nobody wants to do anything with me? Ha, think again! I am not hated or they don't show it openly, nothing more because of my natural radiation of self confidence and my friendly, easygoing character.

My friends call me sometimes an -in a complete good-naturedly way of course- 'arrogant asshole' but that is just their way of showing friendliness, right? Right? I thought so too.

So, as I notice my third attempt already, as I was walking down said street lazily with a cup of coffee in my hand I thought the exact same words mentioned above, followed by a sudden flash of light. I found it rather strange at that time.

One moment I was on my way home the next I was laying in a for me completely unknown ruin while being surrounded by persons clad in futuristic armor, looking at me in with surprised or shocked expressions.

Deciding it was for the best to stay where I was and simply returning the look of complete and utter surprise, I waited for the party to do the first action. like one of my golden rules to survive in today's society stated, always keep a low profile, don't do anything provocative.

It seemed that my tactic paid off as one of the persons, who was by the looks of it female and had a 'N7' on the right side of her chest plate, spoke up in English. Under normal circumstances it should have surprised me, but currently I wasn't able to wonder over such trivial matters.

"Who are you?"

Believe me, lady: I asked myself the exactly same question already about you guys. I tried to answer but was cut off as gunfire sounded and slightly blue glowing projectiles impacted in the nearby area.

_Gunfire! Where the fuck was I sent into?_

At this time I cursed heavily about my god dam mouth and god dam boredom whilst not even the idea to crawl into cover crossed me. Must have slipped my mind at that moment.

Thankfully the woman who talked to me previously had the mind to do that for me by dragging. Now that I think about it, that were some serious reflexes she got.

But it seemed my luck was even more nonexistent than afore thought: I was hit in the knee! And if one of you think right know about the whole 'arrow in the knee' thing in a literal way and compare it with what happened to me and come to the conclusion 'not as bad as the arrow', damn you! It fucking burned! A arrow is nothing compared to a plasma bullet!

The rest of it was kinda fuzzy for me. I can't really remember big parts of it. I only know that, after the fire fight, I was brought into a cross between truck and tank and was strapped a seat while the now nicknamed N7 got behind the wheel.

She was a bad driver. A really, really, REALLY bad driver. But this wasn't the worst part. I am myself a huge fan of rollercoaster and even though the ride was more brutal than most rollercoaster I was on. No, the worst part was that I thought 'Now it can't become worse'. Big mistake.

In the very moment this little, innocence thought crossed my mind the safety harness holding me in my seat opened during a very sharp turn and letting me crash headfirst into the part of the hull opposite of me. A sharp pain was the only thing I felt followed by nothing.

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><p>Currently I was not amused. Let me shortly explain why:<p>

I woke up in a med bay. It was unlike any hospital I have seen: Too futuristic. Under normal circumstances I would have immediately began to inspect any and all equipment and parts of technology like a little fan girl; Don't judge me, I'm kind of a tech geek. That's simply my thing.

After some time had passed and when I was more and more tempted to take a closer look on one piece of this fantastic looking technology, the -what appeared to be- doctor came through the door and started to talk to me in order to look how I was.

After she was done and deemed me ready(only head a slight concussion; thank god for my thick head!) The woman who dragged me in cover and to the vehicle and on top of it all was also the commanding officer of the vessel I was currently on, started questioning me. So I gave her my normal info and whatnot, even though I knew they most likely knew already through reading my ID card.

When It was my turn to ask questions about what exactly happened after I told her my side of the story it lead to the above mentioned Situation: I was not amused. At all.

"So did I get this straight...", I began with a more than strained voice.

"I am in this current predicament because you thought it was a good idea to activate a device, constructed to be used for to you unknown purposes."

The only answer I got was a sheepish nod and slightly guilty expression from the woman sitting in front of me, now known as Commander Jane Shepard.

"And let me throw a wild guess through the room: It was a button."

She confirmed, looking even more guilty.

"... It was a red, shiny button, wasn't it?"

By her facial expression she didn't even need to confirm it verbal: Ii was clear as day for me at this point. This was the last straw.

"_WHY?_", I questioned no one in particular and looked up, arms lifted up in a dramatic pose, fists clenched.

"Why, universe? why do you hate me? And who in their right mind presses a _RED, SHINY BUTTON ON A DEVICE ONE IS NOT FAMILIAR WITH?_ Is it that hard to remember the simple fact that red is the color for danger in the fauna? You should not press it!"

Jane tried to calm me down whilst the doctor, for me now Dr. Chackwas, looked at the spectacle with something like amusement and chuckled slightly. I found nothing of this situation funny at the moment and didn't even notice Jane's attempt as I continued my rant.

"I mean, they do not paint things like that red simply just for fun! They have the sole intent to say you 'Do _NOT_ press it except you know exactly what it's doing and even then only in emergencies!'.", after the last statement my voice turned to a whiny tone and I draw my legs to my chest, head hanging down. I was seriously questioning my life up 'till this point.

"How come most persons I come in contact with are either perverts, possess no single ounce of common sense or both in combination? How?"

I sat there for some minutes, getting patted on the shoulder by a now openly laughing Chackwas. At some point a male voice joined her with booming laughter over the speakers. In the common days I learned that was the pilot named Joker. quite a nice guy if you got to know him. The pilot on the other end couldn't hold it apparently any longer and had a good time. Nice for him. Not.

Jane seemed to be insulted by being put in either of this groups but I ignored her staring with iron hard stubbornness. Take that, a little revenge from my side! I know it was immature but who cares? I'm near seventeen and allowed to do immature acts.

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><p>After this little episode and my nerves being recollected I was released from the bed. Having nothing to do I decided to explore the ship I was on. By doing that I was able to deduce two things:<p>

1. The ship was an actual spaceship.

2. Even with all that highly extremely advanced technology their elevators are SO SLOW. I mean, the elevators in the 21 century are faster; How is that possible?

At some point and by a little coincidence I arrived in the training room. From what I gathered by looking at the crew this was most definitely a military ship. So it was no surprise that here in the gym were many pieces of training equipment.

But the thing that immediately getting my attention was the shooting range where a woman with black hair and the commander stood side by side and seemed to work on something.

Like most my age I was intrigued with this things. Add that to my nearly fanatic fascination with tech I couldn't hold back. I walked towards a pistol laying on the table in front of the shooting range without being noticed by the women standing there. I don't know why but that was a not so rare occurrence: I could move like a freaking ninja sometimes without me even knowing it.

I grabbed the pistol and like in trance began to study it. I didn't even see that the women noticed me handling a gun and aimed with weapons on me. Finally I snapped out of it when the Commander shouted.

"PUT THAT WEAPON DOWN NOW!"

It was understandable: a unknown on the ship and he had a gun: That was in most cases a bad combination. Not this one: I only was a civilian. Heck, I haven't even reached the age required for enlistment yet.

So I did the only thing I could think of: I held up my hands in the universal gesture of surrender. Only problem was: I still held the pistol in my left hand which I kind of forgot about.

Fate seemed to think that it was apparently not enough to screw up my life so in this very moment a door opened and out of it came two persons: A birdlike humanoid and what appeared to be a oversized reptile.

The moment they saw the situation they too had their weapons aimed at me. As the situation was at this point completely unfolded to me I thought the best course of action was to negotiate. So I spoke up.

"No need to get worked up over something like that. I was simply curious. It's not like I'm some spec ops guy who can hit the target without even looking."

To emphasize my point I aimed, without looking, the now remembered pistol over my shoulder in the general direction of the dummy target and pulled the trigger. One could hear the hiss of a electric discharge and everybody's eyes beside mine flickered shortly to the target and then back to me. Was it just me or was their posture more tense than before?

I looked now to the target and saw that it hit out of all places the bullet could hit right in the bullseye. The bullseye! I couldn't let that be with that; It was not very supportive for me.

"Hahaha; That was only luck, luck was it", I stated while laughing nervously. I didn't really thought that was luck but the contrary was more the case.

"See, if I position myself in another way towards the target...", I did as said and pulled the trigger again. I looked to the target to get the proof I need but was betrayed again: Another bullet in the bullseye.

I tried every single possible angle and shoot without looking at the target again and again. After the tenth time I lost it. With a cry of 'I SHOW YOU!' upwards I ran to the wall on the left side of the room. By now all had eased their respective weapons and simply watched me in amusement. For me it wasn't anymore from importance because of the immediate danger I had been in(the guns) but to prove myself a point: Fate doesn't exist!

Their amusement turned into concern the moment they saw what I was about to do:

I aimed the pistol with an around 15 degree angle at the wall and pulled the trigger. The projectile came with the typical sound of discharge out of the barrel, followed by 'plings'. I looked triumphantly to the target with a exhausted smile.

The smile turned into a look of outrage when I saw it: On the dummy was a hole in the head of it; A perfect headshot.

"HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? HOW? THE POSSIBILITY IS BASICALLY NOT THERE!", I screamed to the heavens. This whole situation was more than ridiculous. The rest of the day I needed to listen to a lecture from Jane about the safe handling of guns and then she decided to go to sleep. I followed her example.

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><p>Some day( I didn't count the number of days I was on the ship, but I think around a week) we were circling around a blue planet and I was sitting in the starboard lounge reading a book. I got, like through a miracle, my hands on 'the hobbit' and even though I had already read it, the book was more enjoyable than the other things: Too many humans in most places: Yes, I'm an introvert and yes, I don't like masses of people.<p>

So at some point The door opened and Shepard walked inside in combat ready armor. She gave me her lecture that became standard during the time I was on board: Don't touch anything, don't ask the other species about biological facts like their way of reproduction, blah, blah(imagine me making a gesture with my hand resembling a mouth; just don't tell Shepard, she would kill me!).

During the time I was here I knew that the missions was dangerous and as I heard this one was especially dangerous I felt inclined to say some words of moral support.

"Go get them, It's not like the base will simply blow up and take all your problems with it."

At this moment a blending light flashed through the window, causing Shepard's eyes to open wide. I turned around and saw on the surface of the planet a big explosion.

Later after the coming reaper war I was known as the 'weapon of fate and mass destruction'. Total reaper kill count: 666

The moral of the story: Don't mess with fate, because it just loves proving you wrong. Always.

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><p><strong>Hope you enjoyed this one-shot.<strong>  
><strong>That was both an idea that wandered around in my mind and something what I can relate to: Of course not on the same scale or magnitude but I have some moments.<strong>

**And with that I'm out, bye!**


End file.
